


Harsh Words with Friends and Other Ways to Divorce Your Superhusband

by The Little MerBucky (blue_pointer)



Series: Lightning in a Bottle [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bucky bear origins, Comedy, Drama, Dramedy, I'll have what Thor's having, M/M, Nat is so done with your shit, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Regina does not appreciate you horning in on her role, Stony breakup, Thor gets a pet, Tony being irresponsible, Wakanda, What could have happened, When superhusbands divorce, always let your Rhodey be your guide, and some for fancy dress, bugs in jars, but when they're held for pleasure they're the balls that I like best, catatonic people are good listeners, deliver in 70 years or it's free, erotic ink blots as therapy, getting revenge on steve, ice cream scoop attachment, kidnapping sleeping people, letting Steve have it, on crack world, prodigal husbands welcome, some balls are held for charity, talking to frozen people, the care and keeping of Midgardians, the conversation that should have happened but never did, when you get strangely attached to your hostage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-10 22:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/The%20Little%20MerBucky
Summary: After Thor pries Tony out of his post-Civil War depression, he starts to wonder. Whatever happened to Bucky Barnes? Vision has a theory, so Team Cap flies to Wakanda to find out. One small kidnapping later, Tony has Steve right where he wants him: groveling on his knees. They have the come to Jesus talk Marvel never gave us.





	Harsh Words with Friends and Other Ways to Divorce Your Superhusband

**Author's Note:**

> I have been told to alert Stony fans in no uncertain terms that this breakup is final. Forever ever ever. If you're expecting a post-Civil War make-up fic, this is not that.

Their arrival in Wakanda made quite a splash. If by splash, you meant massive property damage. Tony had told the boys to wreck as little as possible on their way in--okay, it was Rhodey who had insisted--but Thor lived for doing damage and T’Challa made it hard not to. That’s how Tony knew they’d come to the right place. That, and one Natalie-Formerly-of-Legal calling his private line in the middle of an aerial assault.

“Hey there, Benedict. Betray any friends lately? You know I heard you didn’t have to watch your back. Decide to take a little vacation getaway to Wakanda?”

"Why are you doing this, Tony?”

“I just wanna see Petey. Find out why Spanky left him behind. Every little boy loves his dog, right? Oh, and you may as well just back down and let us in. Thor’s here.”

“He’s with you?” Her tone said she couldn’t believe it.

“Funny how that works, isn’t it? Some people see what the right side is right away, while others...don’t choose until backs are stab-able.”

“I don’t know what your end game is, but you’re making a lot of enemies right now. Are you sure that’s what you want?”

“Whoop! Sorry. I’m losing you. I'm gonna have to call you back.” He cut the line.

Of course Tony hadn’t wanted to get on T’Challa’s bad side. He was ready to explain the whole thing once they were back at ground level. Only. Something unexpected happened.

“This is some kind of joke, right? They knew I was coming.” He hadn’t imagined this trip ending in a lab.

“Looks real to me,” Rhodey said, walking around the life pod, as if trying to prove there were no wires in the magic act.

“It reminds me of...something,” Vision said softly.

“He sleeps!” Thor boomed. “You see, friend Anthony? I was right after all!” He slapped Tony heartily on the back. Good thing he was wearing the suit. “Ho ho, if only we had wagered.”

“I don’t get it.” Tony was still staring in disbelief at the fuzzy troll inside the glass case. All he was missing was a price tag. “It’s like they’re asking someone to take him. He’s all boxed and ready.”

“Are we taking him?” Vision asked, nervous.

“Whoa, Tony.” That was Rhodey. “Let’s think this through. That’s clearly a life support system. If we just unplug him…”

But Tony had been examining the tech, making mental notes, looking at which cord and tube led where. “Well, electricity we have plenty of...oxygen goes in here… It’ll be fine,” he decided.

“You’re not serious.” It was hard being Tony’s conscience most days.

“Come on.” Tony waved Thor over. “Bag ‘im and tag ‘im. Head ‘em up, mooooooove ‘em out!”

“I’ve always wanted to have a pet in a jar!” Thor declared, smiling. He grabbed the pod and tore it off its base.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on!” Tony warned, gathering cords before he could sever them. “Junior, c’mere.” Vision walked over, looking like he’d rather be nearly anywhere else. “Here, take these. Do the thing. Keep ‘em going till we get back.”

Tony tugged a robotic umbilical cord out of the suit, plugged it in where the oxygen hose had been. “Looks like we’re gonna have to share life support systems for a little bit, Snow White. Don’t get any ideas.”

“Are you the prince, or am I the prince?” Thor wanted to know.

“I’m always the prince,” Tony answered easily.

“It seems rather more like you’re the queen in this case,” Vision muttered.

“What’s that, Vizitation?” Tony was not pleased.

“Something about poison apples,” Rhodey said. “Tony, I don’t like this.”

“Come on, it’s fine.”

“Pretty sure it’s kidnapping.”

“From who? This weird lab where they’re probably running experiments on him? We’re doing him a favor! Besides, if he didn’t wanna be kidnapped, he should’ve stayed awake.” Flawless logic. He turned to Thor. “Hit it, big guy.”

“I have a number of reservations,” Vision announced.

“That’s great. You can tell us all about ‘em on the flight home.”

“This is messed up, Tony.” Rhodey. Again.

Just then, a cell phone rang. It took Tony far too long to realize it was the burner phone Steve had sent him FedEx. He’d practiced this for a while, but his heart still leapt into his throat as he opened the flip phone. “Tony Stank residence, prodigal husbands welcome.”

“Tony, what are you _doin’_?” Steve was strangling on some emotion or other. Rage? Fear? Disbelief? Well, let him.

“Funny, that doesn’t sound like ‘I’m sorry.’ Leave a message at the beep.” He hung up. “Come on,” he told the gang.

 

*

 

They were in-flight when Steve called again. “Rogers’ Frozen Pizza, we deliver in 70 years or it’s free.”

“Tony, stop! Please!”

“Stop what?” Tony asked innocently.

“Look, I know that you’re mad at me.” Was he holding back tears? “But please don’t take it out on Bucky. He’s innocent.”

“Calm down, Dorothy. I’m not doing anything to little Toto. You want him back, you know what to do.”

“No, I don--” Tony hung up again. It was very satisfying.  

When the phone rang next, it was Sam. “Are you the Scarecrow or the Cowardly Lion?” Tony answered, thoughtful.

“Okay, so I’m gonna be honest with you. I don’t want to get anywhere near this thing with a ten foot pole. I just want you to be real with me: are you off the deep end this time?”

“Oh, a psychological evaluation,” Tony said. “I love those. Show me some erotic ink blots.”

“Look, I really think this should be between the two of you. Thing is, the frozen buckrito you’re carrying around happens to be kind of a friend of mine--but don’t tell him I said that if he wakes up. I just wanna make sure he’s gonna be okay.”

“He’s a means to an end, Wilson. You can have him back as soon as Steve apologizes like a big boy.”

“Yeah, I told him that was what you wanted. Okay, cool. Promise to keep sleeping beauty out of it?”

That was hard to promise, considering he was the whole reason for their breakup. “I promise not to hurt him. How’s that?”

“Okay, well. I guess that’ll work for now. Listen, you know you can always call me if you need to talk, right?”

“Sorry, I got a call on the other line,” Tony said hurriedly and hung up. As if he’d willingly talk to a psychologist.

There were no more phone calls, and they all got back home safely. Tony busied himself setting their guest up all nice in Bruce’s abandoned lab. Rhodey went to his room to pretend to be morally superior, and Vision slunk to the nearest landline, no doubt to tell Wanda all about the terrible thing dad had made him do.

At least there was still Thor. “Hello, little bug.” He smiled at Bucky, tapping on the glass. “Do you think he’s hungry?” he asked Tony.  

Tony quirked an eyebrow at him. “No, big fella. I don’t think he is. See, he’s in a kind of hibernation state?”

“Like a bear!” Thor grinned. “Or the Odinsleep!”

“Yeah, sure. Like that. Anyway, he doesn’t need to eat. He’s hardly even alive.”

“But he is alive,” Thor said, looking concerned.

“So far,” Tony said. But he would clearly need to put together some equipment that could monitor vitals.

Thor pressed himself up against the glass, squishing his nose, making his lips huge. “Hello, little bear.” He turned to Tony suddenly. “My pet in a jar only has one arm.”

That wasn’t guilt Tony was feeling. He’d done nothing wrong. He’d been defending himself. “Yeah, that...accidents happen. Don’t judge me.” Thor just looked confused. “Fine, I’ll make him a new one. Are you happy?”

“Oh! Can it have different attachments? Like a hook? Or an ice cream scoop?”

“It caaaaan.” What the hell Baskin Robbins had he been going to?

“Excellent! Let me know when it’s ready!” Thor strode from the lab, and that was that.

 

*

 

Steve took his sweet time coming home. Tony could only imagine why. Meanwhile, his precious Bucky could be dead for all he knew. It seemed ridiculous to throw your life away over a guy and then throw the guy away. Or put him in a glass jar, whatever.

Unable to relax, Tony spent his time in Bruce’s lab, building and re-building equipment to regulate and monitor Sleepy’s cryo-state. “You know, I really shouldn’t be doing any of this,” he told Bucky. “By rights, I should’ve just unplugged you. But I’m not that kind of guy--although everyone but Thor seems to think I am.” Rhodey and Vision had been scarce since they’d gotten back.

“The truth is, I could’ve killed you in Siberia,” he went on. “Lots of times. But I had this--whaddayou call--internal conflict-type deal going on. I mean, you don’t know me, but I’m smart--a genius, in fact. I figured out you weren’t in control when you killed my mom.” He turned quickly toward the capsule. “But hey--that doesn’t make it okay, by the way. You still owe me.” Satisfied he’d made his point, Tony went back to his work.  

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m starting to feel like Cap abandoned both of us.” He turned back to the sleeping figure. “How did it happen, anyway? You got back to Wakanda and he just put you in the fridge, like leftovers? Save you for later? What? I wanna know.” He sighed, walking over to the glass. “Too bad you can’t tell me.”

He had the wild urge to touch him. Carve a hole in the glass and reach his hand in. He did look like snow white after eating the apple: dead but not dead. His fuzzy little face, not restful even in sleep. “What happened to you, angel face?” Tony found himself wondering aloud.

He turned away hurriedly. “Nope. I’m not gonna let you suck me in. I know guys like you, all hurt and vulnerable until the chips are down, when all you care about is yourself.” Was he projecting? No.

“It’s too quiet in here.” So he blasted some AC/DC. Bucky didn’t seem to mind that Tony had the biggest balls of all--at least his vitals stayed level, and he didn’t stir in spite of the noise.

 

*

 

When Steve finally did show up, it was in his usual dramatic fashion, smashing through a window. “Was that really necessary?”

“Bucky!” Cap pelted over to the case, scrabbling at it like he was going to open it and pull his buddy out. Of course he’d not even spared a glance for Tony. So Bucky had that over him.

“You know if you just pull him out of there, it’ll probably kill him,” Tony said, casually. “I mean, personally, I don’t really care, but I thought you might be interested.”

Steve turned back to him, pleading. “Let him go, Tony. Please. He’s not part of this.”

“You sure about that?” Tony asked dryly. “‘Cause by my count, everything was fine until he came into our lives.”

“You don’t really believe that.” Steve looked desperate.

“I believe you owe me an apology,” Tony said, crossing his arms over his chest. “For leaving me to die in Siberia.”

“Come on, Tony. Quit bein’ so dramatic.” That eyeroll. It summoned feelings of teeth-punching.

Tony was nearly speechless with indignation. Also, pot meet kettle much? “Need I remind you, you and your little friend here busted my suit. How exactly did you expect me to survive subzero temperatures ALONE?”

“Guess I didn’t think of that,” Steve said, looking somewhat cowed finally.

“No, I guess you didn’t!”

“I’m sorry, Tony.” He looked almost penitent.

“That’s more like it!”

“Can I take Bucky now?” So much for repentance.

Tony turned around. “You honestly think we’re okay now?”

“‘Course we’re not okay,” Steve said. “You kidnapped my friend!”

“Oh, friend, huh? Tell me, Cap, if you love him so much, why is he in cryo-stasis?”

Steve visibly sagged. “It’s what he wanted.” He was looking at the glass as though he could change Bucky’s mind just by making sad eyes at him.

“You know that might actually be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” And Cap had come up with some dumb ones over the years.

That made Steve prickly. “I don’t expect you to understand about consent and honoring other people’s wishes--”

“Oh, don’t you dare--”

“You’re selfish, you’re thoughtless, a conceited know-it-all--”

“Fine!” Tony gesticulated angrily. “Call me all the names your pea brain can think of, but consider for a minute: someone you love tells you they want to kill themselves. Do you give them a razor blade? To respect their wishes?”

“Of course not!” Steve snapped.

“Then why did you do it?” Tony wanted to know. “Was it just more convenient for you to have him on ice? So you could go running off to save the world again? Or do you just enjoy setting aside people you love until it’s a good time for you?”

“Tony, that is NOT fair.”

“When were you gonna tell me?” Subject change. But he should really be ready to answer this by now.

A little bit of Steve’s rage subsided. He looked almost trepidatious. “Tell you what?”

"Turncoat Tina told me it was Zola’s AI who clued you in that Hydra had killed my parents. That was two fucking years ago, Steve. When were you planning on telling me terrorists murdered my parents?”

Now Steve was struggling to find a decent excuse, and Tony enjoyed watching him flounder. “I didn’t--it seemed cruel until we knew for sure…”

Tony started to pace, glancing into the glass case for back-up. He wasn’t sure why he did it. Of course the one-armed bandit was asleep and would no doubt have taken his depression era pal’s side if he hadn’t been. “So tell me this. Let’s play a game. I’m deep in some hacked files, and I find--holy cow! The Nazis were offing TB nurses in the 30s in hopes of the epidemic spreading and taking care of the U.S. before we thought of joining the war. There’s a list of names. One of them is S. Rogers, Brooklyn, NY.” He turned and looked at Steve. “What do I do? Keep the info to myself until I confirm with historians that the Nazis really did kill your mom? Or tell you, because that’s the decent human thing to do? Wouldn’t you want to know, even if there was a chance it was wrong?”

Steve pressed his lips together, got that noble dying mule expression of his. “I’d want to know.”

“Exactly.” Tony slammed his fist into his palm.

“What I did was wrong,” Steve went on, hurriedly. “It was cowardly...like I said, in the end I guess I was just protecting myself.”

“From what?” This, Tony was honestly curious about.

“From…” Steve looked down, surreptitiously glanced over at his sleeping pal.

Then Tony understood. “Zola told you about Fido, too. That’s when you found out. That’s why you’ve been so scarce.”

It all made sense. And Tony felt sick. He needed to sit down. He fell into the nearest chair. It was a rolling chair, so he almost slid out of it. “Shit.” He wasn’t crying, he was probably just sweating really hard. “You asshole,” he choked. “Get out of my house!”

“But Tony--”

“You didn’t tell me because you knew I’d need you! You knew what finding out would do to me, that I’d need you like crazy if I found out, and you’d already decided--” Fuck, it was hard to speak. “You’d already decided to leave...the SECOND you knew he was still alive!”

The fact Steve didn’t have a response immediately confirmed all of Tony’s suspicions. He opened up his watch-gauntlet. “GET OUT!” Blasted Steve with a sonic wave when he didn’t move. But Cap was glancing back at the case. Of course he was.

“But Bucky--”

“Get out means get out!” If he was ever going to burst a vessel, it would be today. “What part of get out don’t you understand?” Tony was out of his chair now, ready to go fisticuffs if necessary. “Do not pass go, do not collect high school boyfriend. You don’t deserve him either after what you did. Get out!” Tony blasted him with his watch until Vision came to see what all the shouting was about. Panicked there would be another “conflict,” he used his power to propel Steve back through the hole he’d made in the window, sealing it up. And good riddance.

Afterwards, Tony sagged against the life pod, spent. “I wish I could stop hating him,” he told his sleeping companion softly. “The opposite of love is indifference. You know it. I know it.” He tried his best to breathe. “But this old ticker just keeps on ticking, in spite of all it’s been through.” He stood up, patting the glass companionably. “Don’t worry, Bucky bear. I won’t ignore you. Unlike your useless boyfriend, I’m gonna fix you.”

But first, sleep. When he hit the bed, Tony slept for three days.


End file.
